one year

Wow, I would’ve complete missed this if a good friend hadn’t reminded me.

One year ago today, I left England. October 23rd 2006 was the day my life changed forever. I left behind what had been home for six years, probably the most formative period of my life.

My heart broke that day, in a way much worse than had a man instigated it. I didn’t lose any man, but I did lose my entire life in that city, a life I loved every single day for six years. I spent the day at my sisters, said goodbye to her on Coram Street, sobbing as I got into the taxi, after which my bestfriends accompanied me to the airport. Even the downpour on the city as I hugged my sister goodbye, made me feel like the City was crying with me. (ok fine fine! it rains in London practically everyday). Never have I wept as hard saying goodbye as I did that night in the airport, that goodbye will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

One year on though, I have to admit, I’m glad I left.

Initially it was a move back to Singapore, something I have dreaded since the very idea of it popped up (by mother dearest). To me, it was like going backwards, and I was terrified (I hated growing up in Singapore). But two weeks into moving back to Singapore, I moved away again, this time to Egypt. And that essentially is what has changed my life.

In the last year, I have come across opportunities I doubt I would ever have found in the UK so early in my career. I’ve been an editor at a monthly magazine for 8 months now, I have written features, I’ve eaten at and slept in five star restaurants and hotels for free and most shockingly, I’ve managed to hold down 9-5, 5 days a week for over six months! (I’m still in shock about that)

I have learnt a kind of independence that I never got to experience in London. I have no family in Cairo to run to in times of need — although my friends here have become my family. In London, I had a sister and half my extended family, and even my parents for awhile. This is the first time I am completely supporting myself, paying my own rent, my own bills, and living in a city as challenging as Cairo. It was also the first time I arrived in a city to live where I didn’t know a soul.

In the last year, I have met some wonderful, fascinating people, I have traveled to some beautiful destinations (No.1 being the Western Desert) and I’m even grateful I adopted my little baby, Pookie.

I learned patience — I learned to live with tons of people and not get annoyed. I learned to sleep with the lights on and the TV blaring. I learned to clean and cook on a daily basis and actually enjoy it. I LOVE my life here, and I’ve realised I LOVE being an expat. It suits me.

I have also learnt to get by on very little sleep [without wanting to murder people].
[Still haven’t managed to cut down on the homicidal tendencies when hungry, however, that might need a move to Sudan next door]

And the most important thing I have learnt is this: Despite living in so many places, moving from Singapore to London, and even Dhaka, this year was the first time in my life where I truly accepted that home is no longer a physical destination. I think I spent a good 22 years feeling a little emptiness in my life, never feeling like Singapore was home, always being a ‘foreigner’ in London, always the ‘beedeshi’ in Dhaka….but after the Cairo stop, I think I have given up on pining for ‘home’. Not because I think I will never find it, but because I don’t think I need to find it.

I feel comfortable knowing I will leave this city behind someday, that maybe I will never see a lot of people I’ve met here ever again. I understand now that those who have mattered will stay in my life, even if not physically on a day-to-day basis. I accept that when I do move on to my next destination, I will have to start all over again, but this time, I’m not scared anymore.

So now, the most amazing thing is, I’m no longer terrified about moving back to Singapore, when I do move back. I know that things will be different, and I am now armed with the confidence that I can start from scratch, over and over again, without losing myself, or what I have known and loved for 23 years.

Be in this world as if you are a traveller,
a passer-by, with your clothes and shoes full of dust.
Sometimes you sit under the shade of a tree,
sometimes you walk in the desert.
Be always a passer-by, for this is not home.
- Hadith