Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Limbo

That word epitomizes my existence at the moment.

A week from today, I am scheduled to fly out of Cairo. 7 days. Yet, it hasn’t hit me. I’m totally in denial of this little fact, because I actually don’t know what’s happening to me in the near future. I may or may not be leaving….

Okay – so - I am currently *trying* to stay in Cairo, but only if circumstances allow. These circumstances will be confirmed tomorrow at 3pm, inshaAllah. Plus, I’m really not done with Cairo. There were stages to my stay here in the last 3 months: initial excitement, initial depression, and then finally things settled in perfectly, and I am now at the stage where I am just getting comfortable. My Arabic is improving, I maneuver Cairean life with less stress, and I am getting close to some wonderful people here. I now realize I haven’t seen enough - I want to see the rest of Egypt….Siwa, Dahab, Luxor, Mt. Sinai, crossover to Jordan. I want to take diving lessons from a friend, Mody, who teaches in Dahab. I want to learn Arabic. I want to go to Pacha in Sharm. I want to go sleep alone in the desert. I want to get a cat.

At the same time, a family member is very ill back home, and my whole family is congregating together there, and I feel so very distant and detached from the people most dear to me. Nabs and I sat on Skype the other night, crying to each other….the only two cousins in the family living in cities where we have no family whatsoever. It makes me rethink whether I really do want to live in Cairo for longer than I already have. I’ve lived in a fair number of cities, Singapore, London, Dhaka….but all of them had some form of family. Being in Cairo alone is a new experience for sure. Now I kind of know how Amrita sometimes felt being in London, without her family. But you do it, because of your education, because of your career, because of friends you’ve adopted as your family.

So it has been frustrating. Waiting for other people to make their decisions, so that you can make your own decisions, which in turn shapes your future dramatically. Being in a state of limbo…..not fun. It makes you useless in a way. Makes you put off making other decisions, doing things you need to do. Tomorrow, inshAllah, at 3pm I will know my fate. And then, I can finally get off my ass, and get a move on with life and what it has in store for me next. Pray for me.

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